This declaration of love has shades of meaning—and intention—very few realize. Could there be any expression—on the surface, at least—more ambiguous than “I have feelings for you”? After all, there are literally 100s of feelings that, supposedly, this statement might allude to. Still, virtually all of us would agree that such an emotional declaration routinely implies fervid feelings of love. Unless, that is, it doesn’t. Before writing this post, I explored several internet forums on this topic so I could examine what different respondents had to say about the meaning of this poignant expression. And the results of my informal “field study” turned out to be a lot less predictable—and far more suggestive—than I’d anticipated.
In any case, I determined that the various answers to this query fell into eight categories. So here they are: a brief digest of the miscellaneous meanings—and intentions—attributed to this popular, yet multi-layered expression.
1. Your friendship has blossomed into love. Several discussants claimed that the true intentions of the speaker were not always easy to grasp—as in, Is it love, or merely (or mostly) lust? But the consensus was that anyone uttering this line was expressing the desire (as one person on Quora put it) “to deepen the relationship’s intimacy . . . to find a way to become more . . . meaningfully engaged emotionally, as well as physically.” And doubtless, this is how the expression is most commonly used.What the words imply is a growing emotional attachment—a caring and concern transcending the (less complicated) friendship that the individual experienced before being overtaken by feelings considerably stronger . . . and unsettling. More than one internet commenter has sought to distinguish “I like you” from “I have feelings for you.” And what they sought to clarify was that “like” implies enjoying the other’s company, sharing common interests, or pleasurably engaging in the same activities.In distinct contrast, the expression “I have feelings . . .” implies a deeper attraction characterized by more serious—and intense—romantic feelings. A slightly different way of describing this is that the person saying (or confessing) these feelings has moved from what was previously felt.
2. You’re inviting your now beloved to have a romantic relationship with you. This closely related meaning of the expression might take the form of “Hey! I really like you, and I’d like us to start dating. . . . Are you interested?” [I hope, I hope!] In this situation, you’re not simply confessing your tender sentiments, you’re proposing—however indirectly—that the object of your affection return your burgeoning feelings.
3, You’re feeling a need to be cautious—not yet ready to commit yourself, or say “I love you.” Here you’re just beginning to lose your emotional equilibrium—“falling” helplessly in love with the one for whom your feelings have been steadily growing. Undoubtedly, the emotions you’ve been harboring, and are finally ready to admit, are those of soft-hearted warmth and tenderness. Yet these feelings also link to a substantially heightened sense of vulnerability. You ask yourself: “What if my feelings aren’t shared?” For abruptly discovering you’re in a one-sided affair could be extremely painful. So, in addressing the one you’ve come to cherish, you self-protectively—and assiduously—avoid employing that perilous word, love.
4. You’re without any hope that your love will be requited, but you just can’t resist disclosing it anyway. Sometimes the key motive driving you to confess “I have feelings for you” is simply to ease the profoundly felt burden of having to keep lovesick feelings all to yourself. The weight of your undeclared feelings may just have become so heavy, so oppressive, that from deep within you experience an irresistible urge to get them off your (so-enamored) chest.You may be all too aware that, for any number of reasons, the object of your adoration isn’t—and won’t be—available to you. For instance, he or she might be happily married to your best friend, or they might simply be too young, or old, for you. Nonetheless, you could experience an acute need to at least let the other person know how deeply you care about them—even as you realize that a loving relationship won’t, or can’t, ever materialize. (Talk about bittersweet!)
5. If you’re on the receiving end of this declaration, you’re trying—as gently as you know how—to inform the other person that you can’t return their amorous feelings. One of the saddest, though not uncommon, meanings that this expression can carry is when it’s followed by the word but—as in, “I have feelings for you, too, but . . . .” For here the other person's romantic sentiments aren't at all reciprocal. In such unfortunate situations, you want to let the infatuated person down as easy as possible. Since you like them, you want to respond kindly to minimize the emotional hurt of what they can’t help but take as rejection (see thefreedictionary.com on this “I have feelings” topic).
6. You may be in the warmest, most caring relationship—yet it’s still not love but friendship. Strong feelings of empathy, compassion, conviviality, companionship, etc. may be experienced as extremely rewarding, but may not equate to feelings of romantic love either. Might you ever have been in such a relationship? You could have the warmest regard for the other person but still your emotions couldn’t be described as amorous. Still, you might use this expression to express strong liking.
7. You’re being indirect (or downright devious) in declaring an interest that's more lustful than loving. Several correspondents hinted at this, well, duplicity. Particularly with someone who possesses a strong sex drive, lust and love can get confused, or hopelessly entangled. And if you’re the recipient of such an “I have feelings for you” message and your b.s. antenna immediately starts signaling, then—unless you’re experiencing a similar libidinous pull—it’s best to decline this implicit proposition. As one discussant on Quora puts it: some people who use this expression “just want sex and see this as a good lead in,” adding prudently: “Just because someone SAYS ‘I have feelings for you’ doesn’t actually mean they [do]. Words are one thing . . . actions are something else.”
8. You might use this expression if, for any number of reasons, you decide to break up with your committed partner or boy/girlfriend, even though you still genuinely care about them. There’s an obvious paradox in this: Why would you want to end a relationship in which you’re still experiencing loving, attached feelings for the other?
But there are a host of explanations for this negative relationship decision, including crucial issues with incompatibility that can’t be rectified. For instance, you might feel that your life would be forever incomplete if you didn’t have children, and your partner (or prospective partner) is dead set against starting a family.
I’ll conclude with two final respondent quotes:
I never understood what “having feelings for someone” is and what it constitutes, and after a while, stopped trying to figure it out.
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