“Do
not return anger with anger; instead, control your emotions. That is what is
meant by diligence.”
As
you may have painfully discovered, anger can be
detrimental to relationships. An angry
partner’s negative attitude and behaviors can drain your energy, leave you
feeling frustrated and unheard, and undermine not only your well-being but the
health of the partnership. However, if you are able to deal skillfully
with an angry partner, your relationship may transform dramatically. Here are
some effective strategies for dealing with an angry partner.
1.
De-escalate and Neutralize Emotionality
When
you try to control an angry partner, they may become defensive and more
uncooperative. It is unwise to get angry in response to a partner’s anger;
better to let the other person be angry and recognize they will eventually calm
down. The calmer you remain, the quicker their anger may subside.
In
this way, you de-escalate the situation. The ultimate goal of de-escalation is
to lessen emotional intensity and redirect animosity toward increased
cooperation.
2.
Be Assertive and Respectful
Acting
assertively is the process of taking a position in which you are able to
express your wants directly and respectfully while considering your partner’s
feelings and wants as well. When you act and speak in an assertively respectful
manner, you are confident, honest, and open. At the same time, by being
assertive, you empower your partner to take their share of responsibility.
3.
Communicate Constructively, Understand, and Validate
People
often act in an angry way because they think they are not being heard, not
being taken seriously, or not being appreciated. They may feel disappointed and
ignored.
To
avoid inflaming your partner’s anger, it is wise to actively listen to them
until you are sure they feel heard and understood. Go beneath the surface and
try to understand their deepest needs, and validate their feelings and
experiences. Validation is one way we communicate acceptance of ourselves and
others. It doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. Rather, it is recognizing and
considering your partner’s perspective. The key to validation is being present
and genuinely attempting to understand. It is listening to your partner as well
as to your internal experience, staying with it rather than pushing it away or
avoiding it. The other part of validation is accurately reflecting what you
hear—for example, “What I hear you saying is ______. Is that correct?” This
should be done without assumption or judgment while being clear, calm, and
compassionate.
4.
Practice Patience and Compassion
Beneath
anger typically lies deeper and more vulnerable emotions such as fear, sadness, or pain, which
may be less accessible for your partner to address. For a short period, anger
serves as a protective shield and makes your partner feel powerful and in
control. Yet, in the long run, it hurts them from within. This is why it is
important to have compassion toward your
partner and move away from blame and accusation.
Patience can serves as the
antidote to anger within yourself as well as your partner. It entails being
wise at the moment anger arises. It is about waiting—not speaking or doing
anything that may be automatic or reactive. Patience and compassion are the
foundations of positive energy and cooperation among people.
5.
Pick Your Battles and Think Long-Term
The
phrase “pick your battles” doesn’t apply only to military combat; it is also
relevant to relationships with angry partners. Military leaders may be willing
to lose some fights so they can “win the war.” They generally don’t waste
resources and energy on the ones they can’t win. In the same manner, because
individuals have different beliefs, opinions, preferences, and expectations,
relationships can be a battlefield of sorts where exercising restraint is at
times a wise strategy.
The
phrase “pick your battles” doesn’t apply only to military combat; it is also
relevant to relationships with angry partners.
If
you want to, you can find an abundance of topics about which to argue with your
partner. However, it would be to your benefit to be selective, letting go of
that which matters least. Remember, it’s neither sensible nor practical to
fight over every difference you have. You may win the argument, but ultimately
your relationship may be weakened.
6.
Reflect on Your Actions and Understand the Triggers
To
be responsible is to accept your role in being frustrated with an angry partner
and reflecting on what actions may trigger their anger. It
also means understanding what triggers you to behave the way you do. The more
aware you become, the less reactive and more constructive you may become. The
result may be greater well-being for you, your partner, and your relationship.
If
you realize you played a role in escalating an argument, be responsible and
acknowledge your part. Your ownership may reduce tension and encourage your
partner to take ownership as well.
7.
Address Your Challenge When Your Partner Is Calm
When
your partner’s emotional state is highly charged, their cognitive state may be
impaired. There is little point in addressing your issue as long as the anger
dominates. Allow time for the negative energy to settle to establish more
rational discussion.
When
both of you are calm and collected, address the issue that led to your
partner’s angry behavior. At this time, they may be more open to listening and
understanding. Also, don’t forget to apply this rule to yourself. When your
emotional or angry parts are activated, take time to calm yourself. Anger fuels
anger, and calming promotes a calmer atmosphere.
8.
Think Influence, Not Control
Don’t
focus on trying to change your partner. You can’t. You can, however, influence
your partner and show them the benefits of your position. You can influence
your partner by creating a positive environment that is conducive to
cooperation rather than control.
You
may have heard the expression, “You can catch more flies with honey than
vinegar.” When you treat your partner with sweetness, you may bring them closer
to you—and closer to understanding how you feel and why you feel that way. This
may increase your chances of productive outcomes.
If
you apply the above strategies, you may be astonished to see how much the
energy between you and your partner transforms and your relationship
flourishes.
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